Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
