I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
