So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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