I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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