My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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