You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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