Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
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His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
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I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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