I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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