just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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