I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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