i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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