I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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