Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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