You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
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And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
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he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.