Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
