you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
