When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
