No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
