In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...