My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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