The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
