Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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