Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just found puke in my bra..
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
