Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
