1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
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I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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