lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
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So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
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Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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