I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
