My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
