I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my sisters under your porch take her home
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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