My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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