Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
