I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
