We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
