he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
