My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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