i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I think I just shit out all my problems.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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