Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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