respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
