that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
