also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
