Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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