It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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