Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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