I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
it was like eating out sand paper
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
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