My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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