we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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