She tied me up with her honor cords...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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