I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.