U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have