Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
His hands were made for my vagina.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.