He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
