if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize
