I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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