she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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