So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
