the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
operation harelip BJ is a go
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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